*Disclaimer: I in no way consider myself a geezer
After a nonstop week of induction at work, Eid al-Adha came around and gave me some much-needed rest bite. The holiday also provided an opportunity to take in a tour of the Egyptian Museum, and one of the original (and oldest) seven wonders of the world; the Pyramids of Giza.
After waking up at 5am we were introduced to our tour guide for the day, let’s call him Ali. Ali is a chirpy middle-aged Egyptian man. Full of bad jokes, and irritatingly incapable of going five minutes without asking a rhetorical question. Ali says he has been to the Pyramids over a thousand times; surely enough time to have come up with some better one-liners.
The journey to Giza, the other side of the city, took half the time it normally would. The reason for this; Eid al-Adha, also know as the ‘Festival of the Sacrifice’. This festival honours the story of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son under God’s command (a story perhaps best tackled by the late Christopher Hitchens https://goo.gl/mjRHjF). The streets that are normally so clogged up by cars were empty albeit with just a little bit of lamb’s blood. One image that will never leave me; a man standing over his car boot and looking down, in a Tarantino-like fashion, into the eyes of a live lamb.
All the meanwhile Ali the tour guide had been transformed into Ali the salesman. Facts turned into (financial) quotes. “When we arrive at the Pyramids you can take a camel ride, for only LE50. You can go inside the Pyramids, the little one for only LE20, the slightly bigger one for only LE30, the biggest for only LE50.” Ali the salesman concluded, “I’m just letting you know what your options are.”
The pyramids are nothing short of impressive. With modern day Cairo in the distance the juxtaposition of sight and sound could not be more extreme. The biggest pyramid, also known as the Great Pyramid, is thought to have been constructed around 2560 BC (making it almost as old as your mum).
On arrival at the pyramids, Ali had thoughtfully laid on a photographer to capture the moment we were to be asked to part with cash again. “Only LE100 for a print of the group photo,” remarked Ali, “the photographer can also make a personalised t-shirt with your name in a cartouche“, another LE100.
Whilst some of our group were lead to a very expensive camel ride with Ali’s cousin the rest of us were left to sit and watch. It was at this point that I was approached by an elderly man named Hussein; a camel owner who had worked all his life in Giza which was evident by the windswept features of his face. A gentleman, who only asked me once if I’d like to take a camel ride, after I declined he wanted nothing more than to chat about London.
After looking at the Pyramids from a distance we then moved on to looking at the sphinx from a slightly closer distance. At this point, the grand bazaar of Ali had closed and he was in full tour guide swing. Enjoyable as it was, it was somewhat short-lived and soon enough we were on the bus to the next stop.
We were barely on the bus for fifteen minutes and we had arrived at our next destination. A drinks-stop… in an upmarket perfume shop that claimed to produce the same quality perfumes that were once produced by the ancient Egyptians. Once sat down, the manager of the shop took our order of hibiscus tea or Turkish coffee and proceeded to give out a perfume order slip. He proudly pointed to the framed photographs covering every inch of the walls, displaying all of the impressive people that had visited the shop and had no doubt made a purchase. The only recognisable face in every photo; our man Ali. This drinks break had the feel of a timeshare seminar.
Back on the bus and we are told we are going to learn about how to make papyrus. As soon as we walk into the place a man hands us an order slip. The walls are covered in artworks produced on papyrus and everything is marked up with a price. Yet another shakedown. I decided to boycott this episode of QVC Egypt and went down the street to admire the beautiful mosque that stood there.
Finally, we leave, without a single purchase I should add, and off we go to the Egyptian Museum. As we arrive we learn that the museum is closing within the hour, presumably because Ali had nothing to sell there. Ali switched back into tour guide mode but by then I had heard enough from him and took myself around the museum instead.
Arriving home exhausted from a day of hard selling and wonders of the world, the last thing Ali wanted to take from him was a copy of the bible. This came without a price, perhaps priceless, some would argue worthless. Nevertheless, I declined.
An Eejit In Egypt 
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